"Is it wrong that I can't feel my feet?"
"Can you please carry me?"
"What have I done to myself?"
These are all sentiments I shared with my caring and supportive husband as we walked out of the gym last night after my first Zumba class. I was sooooo happy it was over that there are not words that can express my utter gratitude for 7:45 pm, which is when the class was over. However, last night was a very trying time for me on top of dealing with "inner apprehensive disquiet" of going to the gym for the first time.
I picked Addisyn up and the first words out of her mouth were, "Momma, is tonight gym night?"
"Yes, baby," I muttered under my breath, "tonight is gym night."
"Yea!!!" she screamed. She was so excited, and for what reason, I don't know. However, her sentiments changed once we got there (read further). We ran home, finished dinner, grabbed a very quick bite, and as I was cleaning the kitchen, I got a phone call that rocked my world for a second. At that moment, I didn't want to go to the gym. I didn't want to put on the happy face and go work out with some people I didn't know. All I wanted to do was curl in a corner, cry, and reason within myself why it would be okay for me to eat an entire bag of chips. Instead, I put my shoes on, texted my friends to please pray, and got in the car and cried all the way to the gym. Addisyn sat in the back seat playing and singing. Bubba drove since I couldn't see through the tears and attempted to console me, which only made me cry harder! After some very challenging words from a friend of mine to think on the positive things that Phillipians 4:8 tells us about, I resolved myself that I was right where I needed to be - on my way to the gym.
Remember how I said I was afraid of Addisyn crying once we got to the gym because she wouldn't want to go? Well, it happened. And how did I react? I drug her little crying behind straight into the kids' room. I needed this. I needed to go work out all my frustrations and fears. We left her crying, which broke my heart, but I knew we had to do it, and we will continue to do it.
Bubba and I parted ways - him upstairs to the equipment area, me to the gym for Zumba. I immediately walked in and went to the very back of the room. There was no way I was standing at the front. While standing there, I began talking to a very nice lady named Mindy. In talking, I told her that I had done Zumba in the past, but had quit about a year ago. She said that the teacher was really nice, but this particular night, we had a sub, but that it was fine. As I scanned the room, I noticed people from all walks of life - skinny, not-so-skinny (Addisyn yelled at me for saying "fat" last night), young, old, rhythmic people, and the rhythmically challenged.
As the music started, the teacher began with a warm-up song. Not so bad. "I got this," I thought. Well, one song led to another song and halfway through, I thought I was going to pass out. At one point, Mindy looked at me and said, "This is really intense tonight!" "Good to know", I thought to myself, "because if this is easy, we need to install an oxygen bar somewhere in this joint!"
There was one lone man in our class, and he led the Thriller Dance. I can honestly tell you, I think he was Michael Jackson in another life. This man had the dance down! I am sure that he has led that song at many a 80's party. And on top of that? He can dance his behind off to Lady Gaga's "Alejandro". You have no idea! There was another lady, probably in her late 50's or early 60's, that really tried to do the moves, but failed miserably. But, she kept throwing her hips (to the point I thought she was going to throw one OUT), and kept dancing as if no one was watching. And when it came time for them to put their belly dancing belts on with the jingle bells? She was on it like nobody's business. And then there was me, who spent a great deal of time watching the teacher and saying, "If I try that, we will need paramedics!". However, I did the entire hour class from "Rock Party Anthem" to "As Long As You Love Me". I walked out drenched in sweat, talking to Mindy, and making plans to see her next week. I may not have done all of the moves perfect, but I was there. Sitting here writing this, I realize that the "inner apprehensive disquiet" I experienced earlier from (1) attending this class and (2) the news I received before we left for the gym is now a little smaller. I struggle with it, but it isn't nearly as loud as before. I intended to do Zumba on Tuesdays and Thursdays, but due to back problems, I may have to opt for only one night a week now, and working with the machines the other night.
I will go back to the gym tonight after work to attempt Aqua Zumba. Ladies, this creates a whole other fear. I have to put on a bathing suit to do this. The only saving grace I have is that the majority of my body will be under water while the train wreck happens. But you know what? I am going, dragging Addisyn while she is kicking and screaming, and hopefully, I will be able to get a decent workout in.
What is your favorite workout?
Wednesday, October 24, 2012
Tuesday, October 23, 2012
Life's a Party......a Zumba Party!
Well, hello there! No, I didn't fall off the face of the earth. Just life. Just life. I really want to be better at blogging. I will try and get back on track.
I went through my old posts today to see when I last wrote. Yeah, that would be June. A lot of things have happened since then. Addisyn turned 4, we celebrated my Daddy's 55th birthday, we went on a mini-vacation, school started which means Addisyn is an official Pre-K kid (hold on while I wipe the tears!), and the worst of all is that I have gained back some of my weight. I hate to even write that!!
Like I said earlier, I went back through my old posts today and read what I had written when I first started and even through my last post in June. While it was encouraging, I kept asking myself, "Where did that person go? The one that didn't care how long it took, what it took to get there, or realized obstacles weren't meant to overtake me but to be overcome?" I want to find that person again. Hopefully, tonight, I will get a glimpse of her.
You see, we joined a gym. Yes, I know that I said earlier that I couldn't afford it, but I have become one of the typical treadmill owners whose treadmill has become more of a clothesrack than a piece of exercise equipment. So, we bit the bullet and joined a local gym. We have been members there before, so I knew how nice it was and was eager to get back. About the time we joined, Bubba broke his wrist playing softball and pretending to be Derek Jeter!! Following that injury came surgery. Following surgery came recovery. And so on. So, needless to say, I have paid for a gym membership for almost 3 months and have yet to use it - until tonight!!
This particular gym offers Zumba. For those of you that have lived under a rock the last three years and have never heard of Zumba, check it out at www.zumba.com. It really is a lot of fun, plus you can burn anywhere between 900-1200 calories in an hour. I love Zumba! I have done it off an on since Addisyn was a baby. I think I like it because it is more dancing than exercising, and well - I like to dance! So, when we finally said, "We are going to the gym!", I looked at the calendar. They offer Zumba on Tuesdays and Thursdays and Aqua Zumba on Wednesday nights. Excuse me?? Did someone say Aqua Zumba? Heck, yea! I can have fun and not sweat? I am all over that. I have never done that, but I will try anything once.......within reason! So, I told my husband that my schedule will be Zumba three days a week and walking either outside or on the treadmill Monday and Friday. Momma is taking the weekend off. You heard me - I'm gonna be a Zumba fool!
And then I start thinking - "You really are a fool! Do you remember how tiring a class is?" "Three days a week?" "You'll never make it!" "You will look like a big dummy out there! People will laugh at you!" And so on, and so forth. So, last night after I decided this would be my routine, I started freaking out. I still struggle with leaving Addisyn at the gym's childcare after being at school all day, but when I start to think about backing out, she pipes up, "Hey, Momma? Are we going to the gym tonight?" I very quietly, with fear and dread in my office, say, "Yes, baby." To which she replies enthusiastically, "YES!!!" And I resign myself to the fact that I have to go because she will be disappointed if we don't go.
All in all, I guess I am afraid. Afraid of what I will look like. Afraid of what will happen. Afraid that I won't be able to keep the schedule. Afraid that Addisyn will cry when we leave her. Afraid that people will make fun of me. Afraid that I might just like it.
The dictonary lists a definition of afraid as "inner apprehensive disquiet". At first when I read that, I thought "Say what?" But then a little voice inside my head said, "You are more worried about you than other people are. People aren't afraid for you. You are afraid for yourself. You are what holds you back. You are what causes the apprehensive disquiet." And just like that, I know that I will go home, get ready, grab a quick bite to eat and head to Zumba for no other reason than to cease the inner apprehensive disquiet part of me.
What are you afraid of??
I went through my old posts today to see when I last wrote. Yeah, that would be June. A lot of things have happened since then. Addisyn turned 4, we celebrated my Daddy's 55th birthday, we went on a mini-vacation, school started which means Addisyn is an official Pre-K kid (hold on while I wipe the tears!), and the worst of all is that I have gained back some of my weight. I hate to even write that!!
Like I said earlier, I went back through my old posts today and read what I had written when I first started and even through my last post in June. While it was encouraging, I kept asking myself, "Where did that person go? The one that didn't care how long it took, what it took to get there, or realized obstacles weren't meant to overtake me but to be overcome?" I want to find that person again. Hopefully, tonight, I will get a glimpse of her.
You see, we joined a gym. Yes, I know that I said earlier that I couldn't afford it, but I have become one of the typical treadmill owners whose treadmill has become more of a clothesrack than a piece of exercise equipment. So, we bit the bullet and joined a local gym. We have been members there before, so I knew how nice it was and was eager to get back. About the time we joined, Bubba broke his wrist playing softball and pretending to be Derek Jeter!! Following that injury came surgery. Following surgery came recovery. And so on. So, needless to say, I have paid for a gym membership for almost 3 months and have yet to use it - until tonight!!
This particular gym offers Zumba. For those of you that have lived under a rock the last three years and have never heard of Zumba, check it out at www.zumba.com. It really is a lot of fun, plus you can burn anywhere between 900-1200 calories in an hour. I love Zumba! I have done it off an on since Addisyn was a baby. I think I like it because it is more dancing than exercising, and well - I like to dance! So, when we finally said, "We are going to the gym!", I looked at the calendar. They offer Zumba on Tuesdays and Thursdays and Aqua Zumba on Wednesday nights. Excuse me?? Did someone say Aqua Zumba? Heck, yea! I can have fun and not sweat? I am all over that. I have never done that, but I will try anything once.......within reason! So, I told my husband that my schedule will be Zumba three days a week and walking either outside or on the treadmill Monday and Friday. Momma is taking the weekend off. You heard me - I'm gonna be a Zumba fool!
And then I start thinking - "You really are a fool! Do you remember how tiring a class is?" "Three days a week?" "You'll never make it!" "You will look like a big dummy out there! People will laugh at you!" And so on, and so forth. So, last night after I decided this would be my routine, I started freaking out. I still struggle with leaving Addisyn at the gym's childcare after being at school all day, but when I start to think about backing out, she pipes up, "Hey, Momma? Are we going to the gym tonight?" I very quietly, with fear and dread in my office, say, "Yes, baby." To which she replies enthusiastically, "YES!!!" And I resign myself to the fact that I have to go because she will be disappointed if we don't go.
All in all, I guess I am afraid. Afraid of what I will look like. Afraid of what will happen. Afraid that I won't be able to keep the schedule. Afraid that Addisyn will cry when we leave her. Afraid that people will make fun of me. Afraid that I might just like it.
The dictonary lists a definition of afraid as "inner apprehensive disquiet". At first when I read that, I thought "Say what?" But then a little voice inside my head said, "You are more worried about you than other people are. People aren't afraid for you. You are afraid for yourself. You are what holds you back. You are what causes the apprehensive disquiet." And just like that, I know that I will go home, get ready, grab a quick bite to eat and head to Zumba for no other reason than to cease the inner apprehensive disquiet part of me.
What are you afraid of??
Sunday, June 24, 2012
It Ain't The Fastest.....
Remember the beloved children's tale of the tortoise and the hare. I'm no "children's story expert", but I vaguely remember the moral of the story being that the fastest doesn't always win, but it is the slow and steady that prove to be successful. More often than not, in this lovely journey to reclaim my life, I find that I want to be the tortoise saying, "Here, hold my protein bar while I munch on cupcakes because this is agonozing!!!" However, I am finding the "slow and steady" theology to be true in the Weight Loss Race as well. Stupid children's stories!!
It has been exactly 2 month since I have started this blog. I started losing weight that week, and shortly thereafter on May 6th, I started using the "MyFitnessPal" app on my IPhone. I have an idea where I was when I started my journey, but for accuracy sake, I started using the weight I was on May 6th when I started the "MyFitnessPal". Today, I celebrate my first official 10 pounds since I have been tracking. In fact, I have lost 10.6 pounds. I am attaching a picture of me at Easter, which is when I started by blog, and my picture today (forgive the rough and ragged look - I just woke up!)
I can't really tell a big difference.
Everyone says to not worry about pounds, but to worry about inches. Truth is, I didn't measure before I started weighing. I figured that once my clothes started feeling a little loose, I would think "Hey, this seems to be working! Maybe I need to stick with this thing!"
I have reflected today over the things that have happened over the last 2 months and how it is impacted where I am. When I lost weight around 5 years ago, I was constantly chasing my next work out, my next healthy meal, etc. Now, my life is much busier. I have a beautiful little girl who will be 4 in less than 2 weeks, we live further away from my job so I can't come home at lunch anymore, we have a a more active home life between church, dance lessons, school plays, baseball for Bubba, and busier days at work. I don't get to go to the gym 4-5 days a week and work out 2 hours at a time. I don't get that quiet time at home during my lunch hour to count exactly what I am eating. More recently, I have had personal things happen in my life that I stop and contemplate "Does being skinny REALLY feel better than that thing I am craving?", to which my answer has been "yes" more than "no" more often than not. Do I always make the best choices? No. But you know what? I am not going to live my life so on the edge and think that one wrong choice, one moment of a chocolate chip cookie dough cupcake from Bake Cupcakes (I think I just got a shiver! lol), will ruin me forever. So what it has taken me a month to lose 10 pounds? I haven't gained 10 pounds. In actuality, that is great. But, it has been a hard road so far, and I have much, much, much further to go.
My first goal has been reached - 10 pounds. My next goal? It is a little private, but I will tell you that I am so eager to reach it. Hopefully, in the next month, I will be there. My immediate long term goal? Lose 20 lbs total before school starts in August. Isn't that sad? I detested school and starting school because of weight issues and the never-ending "I'm losing this weight before school starts" and what happens? I end up working at a school!! Life can be mean sometimes!
So, for those of you that have read my blog, commented on my blog, or in passing thanked me for being honest and being open on here - I say thank you. You have helped me be accountable because when life has gotten busy, and i haven't been able to be on here, you question me. You encourage me. You make me stick with it. Keep doing it because you are helping to save my life.
Here's to the next goal!!
It has been exactly 2 month since I have started this blog. I started losing weight that week, and shortly thereafter on May 6th, I started using the "MyFitnessPal" app on my IPhone. I have an idea where I was when I started my journey, but for accuracy sake, I started using the weight I was on May 6th when I started the "MyFitnessPal". Today, I celebrate my first official 10 pounds since I have been tracking. In fact, I have lost 10.6 pounds. I am attaching a picture of me at Easter, which is when I started by blog, and my picture today (forgive the rough and ragged look - I just woke up!)
I can't really tell a big difference.
 | |||
| April 2012 |
 | |
| June 2012 |
Everyone says to not worry about pounds, but to worry about inches. Truth is, I didn't measure before I started weighing. I figured that once my clothes started feeling a little loose, I would think "Hey, this seems to be working! Maybe I need to stick with this thing!"
I have reflected today over the things that have happened over the last 2 months and how it is impacted where I am. When I lost weight around 5 years ago, I was constantly chasing my next work out, my next healthy meal, etc. Now, my life is much busier. I have a beautiful little girl who will be 4 in less than 2 weeks, we live further away from my job so I can't come home at lunch anymore, we have a a more active home life between church, dance lessons, school plays, baseball for Bubba, and busier days at work. I don't get to go to the gym 4-5 days a week and work out 2 hours at a time. I don't get that quiet time at home during my lunch hour to count exactly what I am eating. More recently, I have had personal things happen in my life that I stop and contemplate "Does being skinny REALLY feel better than that thing I am craving?", to which my answer has been "yes" more than "no" more often than not. Do I always make the best choices? No. But you know what? I am not going to live my life so on the edge and think that one wrong choice, one moment of a chocolate chip cookie dough cupcake from Bake Cupcakes (I think I just got a shiver! lol), will ruin me forever. So what it has taken me a month to lose 10 pounds? I haven't gained 10 pounds. In actuality, that is great. But, it has been a hard road so far, and I have much, much, much further to go.
My first goal has been reached - 10 pounds. My next goal? It is a little private, but I will tell you that I am so eager to reach it. Hopefully, in the next month, I will be there. My immediate long term goal? Lose 20 lbs total before school starts in August. Isn't that sad? I detested school and starting school because of weight issues and the never-ending "I'm losing this weight before school starts" and what happens? I end up working at a school!! Life can be mean sometimes!
So, for those of you that have read my blog, commented on my blog, or in passing thanked me for being honest and being open on here - I say thank you. You have helped me be accountable because when life has gotten busy, and i haven't been able to be on here, you question me. You encourage me. You make me stick with it. Keep doing it because you are helping to save my life.
Here's to the next goal!!
Sunday, May 27, 2012
Memorial Day
This weekend is a very special weekend. Sadly, for many they only view this weekend as a day to go to the lake, go to parties or cookouts, or to hang out at the pool with their friends. Don't get me wrong - I am enjoying those things too. However, we must remember what this day is for. My grandfather was in the military, and every time I look at the American Flag that was draped over his casket, but now resides in my house, I remember not only what a great man he was and how much I love and miss him, but I also think about the men and women who gave their all. Did they give their all because of the status it would bring them? No. They gave their all because they believed in their cause - the cause to ensure freedom for their fellow Americans and generations to come. I recently lost a cousin, who was extended family I never met,in the war in Afghanistan. Technically, he was past the cut-off age to join the military, but he loved his country so much and was so passionate about what he believed in, he was allowed to join. His immediate family has been on my mind today. To those who served, I say thank you. For those who have relatives who gave everything, I say thank you. Thank you for instilling that sense of pride and dedication to a cause so that I can live a free life.
Although I celebrate the true reason for why this day is special, this Memorial Day has a different meaning for me this year as well. As you all know who read my blog, I am on this great journey we call "weight loss". Some of you also may refer to it as "the journey to Hell", the "what do you mean I can't eat a entire bag of Oreos?" lifestyle, or the ever popular "Diet - it's only the word "die" with a "t" at the end." mantra. I have come to accept the fact that I am a food addict, and part of admitting and working through that, is recognizing your triggers. This week has been very trying for me. When I get upset, I want to eat. I don't really care what it is. In fact, the more calories the better, because we all know that the more calories it contains, the better is tastes!
Last weekend was a really good weekend for me food-wise. We went to my sister-in-law and brother-in-law's house for a break and to see Dave Matthews in concert. It was a great time. We have so much fun with them. My sister-in-law and I have been friends for 27 years, so it is like hanging out with friends who just happen to be family. I also got to see my sister and her husband because they kept Addisyn so we could have an adults only weekend. Normally, I would say "This is a free weekend. I will eat whatever I want and not feel guilty about it." But, I decided that I would try really hard to do good. I weighed on Friday before we left, and when we got back, I weighed again and lost 0.4 lbs. Not too shabby, not too shabby.
However, I had an emotional setback early in the week. I have dealt with a lot of things in my life, but there is still one issue I deal with almost daily. It is one of my biggest triggers for gorging myself. I cried most of Monday, but a great friend said, "Hey - let's go to lunch and just talk." I picked Subway because I knew I could control what I ate there. We ate lunch together, and of course she made me laugh like she always does when I am around her. By the end of it, I felt better. However, I would still hear those words in the back of my mind that continue to be a haunting voice of defeat and self-loathing. I came home, we had dinner, and later that night, after Addisyn had gone to bed, I got on the treadmill. I walked/ran, and while I was doing that, I worked through some stuff in my mind. Am I completely "fixed"? No. But, after I worked out, I felt better. I came back to the living room and sat down on the couch. Bubba came and sat down next to me and said some of the most uplifting and loving words I think he may ever said to me (other than "What are you doing the rest of your life?"). He looked at me and said, "I''m proud of you." I looked at him puzzled and said, "For what?" He said, "You had a really bad day. And you came home, ate sensibly, didn't overeat, and you exercised. I'm really proud of you. That's good, baby." I turned my head, and I don't know if he saw or not, but I had tears in my eyes. It was then that I realized that I CAN control my emotions when it comes to eating. I did it!! Do I have it conquered forever? Probably not, but I know it's possible.
This morning, I got up and weighed liked I do every Sunday morning. I just wanted to see a small loss - something to prove that I did good, and everything that I went through all week was worth it. I lost 4.2 lbs this week. I got off the scale, hit it with my foot to reset it, and got back on. I couldn't believe it. I did it!! I got past my first emotional obstacle, but I am not naive to believe that it won't happen again. But today, May 27th, will serve as a memorial of my own - that food doesn't control me. My emotions can control me at times, but they didn't win this week. Take that, sucka!!
I am often afraid to put myself out here in "Blogville" because it is like living a reality tv show. Everyone gets a glimpse in your life. And to probably some fault (and stupidity) of my own, I am pretty straight-forward and transparent on here. Whatever I am feeling, you will probably know. Anyone who knows me personally knows that I don't hide my emotions very well. Hopefully, though, I can encourage someone along the way.
So, to everyone who is military, whether active or current, thanks again for protecting me. And to myself - way to go!! You can do this, even in the midst of having a craptastic start to your week. And to those who are on this journey with me - what will be your own personal Memorial Day? Whatever it is - make it count.
Although I celebrate the true reason for why this day is special, this Memorial Day has a different meaning for me this year as well. As you all know who read my blog, I am on this great journey we call "weight loss". Some of you also may refer to it as "the journey to Hell", the "what do you mean I can't eat a entire bag of Oreos?" lifestyle, or the ever popular "Diet - it's only the word "die" with a "t" at the end." mantra. I have come to accept the fact that I am a food addict, and part of admitting and working through that, is recognizing your triggers. This week has been very trying for me. When I get upset, I want to eat. I don't really care what it is. In fact, the more calories the better, because we all know that the more calories it contains, the better is tastes!
Last weekend was a really good weekend for me food-wise. We went to my sister-in-law and brother-in-law's house for a break and to see Dave Matthews in concert. It was a great time. We have so much fun with them. My sister-in-law and I have been friends for 27 years, so it is like hanging out with friends who just happen to be family. I also got to see my sister and her husband because they kept Addisyn so we could have an adults only weekend. Normally, I would say "This is a free weekend. I will eat whatever I want and not feel guilty about it." But, I decided that I would try really hard to do good. I weighed on Friday before we left, and when we got back, I weighed again and lost 0.4 lbs. Not too shabby, not too shabby.
However, I had an emotional setback early in the week. I have dealt with a lot of things in my life, but there is still one issue I deal with almost daily. It is one of my biggest triggers for gorging myself. I cried most of Monday, but a great friend said, "Hey - let's go to lunch and just talk." I picked Subway because I knew I could control what I ate there. We ate lunch together, and of course she made me laugh like she always does when I am around her. By the end of it, I felt better. However, I would still hear those words in the back of my mind that continue to be a haunting voice of defeat and self-loathing. I came home, we had dinner, and later that night, after Addisyn had gone to bed, I got on the treadmill. I walked/ran, and while I was doing that, I worked through some stuff in my mind. Am I completely "fixed"? No. But, after I worked out, I felt better. I came back to the living room and sat down on the couch. Bubba came and sat down next to me and said some of the most uplifting and loving words I think he may ever said to me (other than "What are you doing the rest of your life?"). He looked at me and said, "I''m proud of you." I looked at him puzzled and said, "For what?" He said, "You had a really bad day. And you came home, ate sensibly, didn't overeat, and you exercised. I'm really proud of you. That's good, baby." I turned my head, and I don't know if he saw or not, but I had tears in my eyes. It was then that I realized that I CAN control my emotions when it comes to eating. I did it!! Do I have it conquered forever? Probably not, but I know it's possible.
This morning, I got up and weighed liked I do every Sunday morning. I just wanted to see a small loss - something to prove that I did good, and everything that I went through all week was worth it. I lost 4.2 lbs this week. I got off the scale, hit it with my foot to reset it, and got back on. I couldn't believe it. I did it!! I got past my first emotional obstacle, but I am not naive to believe that it won't happen again. But today, May 27th, will serve as a memorial of my own - that food doesn't control me. My emotions can control me at times, but they didn't win this week. Take that, sucka!!
I am often afraid to put myself out here in "Blogville" because it is like living a reality tv show. Everyone gets a glimpse in your life. And to probably some fault (and stupidity) of my own, I am pretty straight-forward and transparent on here. Whatever I am feeling, you will probably know. Anyone who knows me personally knows that I don't hide my emotions very well. Hopefully, though, I can encourage someone along the way.
So, to everyone who is military, whether active or current, thanks again for protecting me. And to myself - way to go!! You can do this, even in the midst of having a craptastic start to your week. And to those who are on this journey with me - what will be your own personal Memorial Day? Whatever it is - make it count.
Tuesday, May 15, 2012
Run, Forrest!! Run!
One of my favorite movies is Forrest Gump. I love Tom Hanks. He did a great job as Forrest, Forrest Gump. So many memorable lines in the movie. "Stupid is as stupid does." "I think it was her grandma's dog." "Dear God, please make me a bird, so I can fly far, far away." One of my favorite parts is when Forrest and Jenny are coming home from school, and the boys start chasing him down the dirt road and into the field. Jenny yells out to him, "Run, Forrest!" And he runs off, to the point his legs look like they aren't even touching the ground. How awesome would it be to run that fast!! To feel the wind in your hair, the ground beneath your feet. Aahh - running in the wide open. This is how I picture myself when I run.I have recently started a running interval program. I am not very fast, but man, I feel like I have conquered the world. There I am - just me and the treadmill (the world isn't ready to see me run in public!), running my cares away, burning up whatever I ate for lunch that day. Yes, sir. That's me!!! Tearin' it up!! Oddly, as much as I would like to look in the mirror and see myself running with ease as Forrest Gump does, I see more of this:
I have never minded exercise. I mean, sure, no one LOVES exercise, unless you are one of those sick-minded, twisted souls, but sometimes it was what I needed. To go to the gym and just walk or work out and feel like I accomplished something. But the one thing I never, ever did was run. I am a big girl, so there are certain things that big girls can't do and feel confident about, and plus, it scared me. I would walk as fast as I could, until we got close to running, and I would stop. I would hear in the back of my mind "Run!", but the other voice, would say, "Are you crazy?? Here, have another brownie! That'll shut you up for a while! Can't run if you have a mouth full of brownie!" And sadly, I would listen to the brownie voice.
This past week, though, I found myself walking and I would hear "Run". At first, it scared me, but then I thought, "I'm at home. If I look like Sweetums from the Muppets, who cares?" So, I would do small jogs, no more than 20-30 seconds at a time. When I stopped and recovered (again, I'm a big girl - running for 20-30 seconds was a miracle), I would think, "I did it". I would walk a little and try it again. And, so started my attempt at taking my exercise routine a step further.
Last night, I ran and I would do 1 minute of running on each interval, up to a 3.8, which was very good for me, since I was barely functioning at 3.5 last week for 30 seconds. I was running last night, and as I was doing the intervals, my body longed for the walking portions. "What have we done to you?" I could hear my legs scream. "For the love of all that is holy, make it stop!! Make it stop!!", my feet cried out. But in all of that, I kept reminding myself of one thing - , you can do this and you ARE doing it.
I can tell that my clothes are a little more loose, and I lost 4.2lbs last week, so I think that had something to do with it. While I was running last night, I could see my reflection in our shower wall (my treadmill faces our bathroom), and in it, I could see my ponytail rocking back and forth, my arms pumping at my sides, and a person who looked a little more confident than they did last week. I am slowly becoming more of the person I want to be.
Run, Forrest!! Run!
Saturday, May 12, 2012
Mother's Day
Mother's Day is tomorrow. Are you ready? I am cleaning house today and preparing the menu for my mom to come over after church tomorrow for lunch. Lots to do, but I wanted to stop and write a minute.
I hope my blogs have inspired some of you to live better, appreciate life more, make better health choices, maybe even attempt something you never thought possible as I am attempting my own feat of losing weight. I have tried to add humor in each blog, but today, I wanted to inspire you to do something else. Think.
You see, for years, I hated Mother's Day. Not because I had a terrible mom or anything, but it was a reminder each year of what a failure I was because we didn't have kids, even though we had tried for years. I attended church service after church service of moms being honored for everything they had done, for loving their kids sacrificially, and for being just downright awesome. And with each word spoken of "You have done so much", I heard "You can't do anything." With "You are so awesome", I heard "You are a complete failure."
Most of you know my story. For those that don't, Bubba and I tried to have a baby for 7 years. I tried fertility medicine, diet, exercise, Metformin, and tons of prayer. I was devastated each month when I discovered I wasn't pregnant. Failure. Loser. Less of a woman. I had dreams of being pregnant and going to the hospital to have a baby, but I would wake before I saw the baby. Do you know what a disappointment that was? In August of 2007, I had a differnt dream. I was at the hospital, except I missed all the labor, and was holding a beautiful baby who had tons of hair and chubby cheeks. I kept saying, "I Can't Believe I'm A Mommy", and in that dream, I started singing, "Tis so sweet to trust in Jesus, just to take Him at His Word. Just to rest upon His promise, just to know thus saith the Lord." I could finally see the baby. My heart soared, and then I woke up, devastated because it was so close, yet so far away.
In October of 2007, my doctor called me when I was home on my lunch break, and she informed me that my levels were lower than they had ever been. "Stacy, I will agree to do one more round of medicine, but if that doesn't fix it, I am afraid there is nothing else we can do." Those words hit me hard. I hung up the phone, collapsed onto the floor of my kitchen, and began to pray. Actually, it was more crying and sobbing than praying, but somewhere during the tears, I managed to pray, "God, I have been faithful. Your Word says You will be faithful to me. It's time I see it. I can't do this anymore." I continued to cry and weep. I can't describe in words how HARD I cried. So hard in fact, that I physically hurt after it was all over. I picked myself up off the floor, wiped my tears, and went back to work - red-faced and swollen eyed.
Two weeks later, we were helping some friends move, and I told my friend that I was 2 weeks late, and I figured I needed to go ahead and take a pregnancy test because that always seemed to trigger my body's natural response to your body is designed to do each month. A couple of days later, I stopped by Kroger and bought a test, ran through Burger King drive-thru, and went home. I called Bubba and told him what I had done, and he will tell you now, that he began to brace himself for me calling and crying because another month of failing was about to rear its ugly head. I went home, took the test, and sat down to eat my burger. I waited the 3 minutes, walked into the bathroom, and picked up the test. "Pregnant." I blinked a couple of times and looked again. "Pregnant". I started crying and saying, "Oh my God! I can't believe it! I can't believe it!" I called Bubba and attempted to form a sentence of "I'm pregnant!" After a couple of times of attempting it, Bubba finally said, "Baby, I love you, but I can't understand a word you are saying." I took a deep breath and said, "We're going to have a baby!" And after 7-1/2 years of trying, through months and months of tears and aggravation, my husband's response was "Cool". Cool? That still makes me laugh.
9 months later, after a problem free pregnancy, my beautiful daughter, Addisyn Dianne Sapp, was born. She had chubby cheeks a head full of hair just like in my dream.
I couldn't believe that all my prayers, and literally dreams, had come true. She has blessed my life so much. I never thought I would enjoy being a mom as much as I have. I look at her sometimes and think, "Wow! She's really mine!!" I sometimes stare at her just so I can engrave her picture in my mind. The goodness of God is prevalent, and the tangible reminder of His promise and faithfulness to me sleeps across the hall from me each night. And she loves Jesus with everything she has. She prays for her teachers and friends. I have been told my several people that she has such a sweet Spirit, which I believe is God's love flowing through her. It has been almost 4 years since she entered my life, and I can't believe how fast time has flown.
My Mother's Days are so much better now, but my heart still aches for those women that are living the emotional hell I lived for 7-1/2 years. So, this Mother's Day, when you are celebrating those Moms that are in your life - whether your own or someone else, stop for a second, and say a prayer for those women in this world that are really suffering today because of lies they may believe about themselves - lies of being a failure, being unworthy, or being less of a woman. Truth be told, they don't realize the potential they have - either as a biological mom, an adoptive mother, or just a strong woman who can impact a generation of women to come.
Happy Mother's Day to everyone!!
I hope my blogs have inspired some of you to live better, appreciate life more, make better health choices, maybe even attempt something you never thought possible as I am attempting my own feat of losing weight. I have tried to add humor in each blog, but today, I wanted to inspire you to do something else. Think.
You see, for years, I hated Mother's Day. Not because I had a terrible mom or anything, but it was a reminder each year of what a failure I was because we didn't have kids, even though we had tried for years. I attended church service after church service of moms being honored for everything they had done, for loving their kids sacrificially, and for being just downright awesome. And with each word spoken of "You have done so much", I heard "You can't do anything." With "You are so awesome", I heard "You are a complete failure."
Most of you know my story. For those that don't, Bubba and I tried to have a baby for 7 years. I tried fertility medicine, diet, exercise, Metformin, and tons of prayer. I was devastated each month when I discovered I wasn't pregnant. Failure. Loser. Less of a woman. I had dreams of being pregnant and going to the hospital to have a baby, but I would wake before I saw the baby. Do you know what a disappointment that was? In August of 2007, I had a differnt dream. I was at the hospital, except I missed all the labor, and was holding a beautiful baby who had tons of hair and chubby cheeks. I kept saying, "I Can't Believe I'm A Mommy", and in that dream, I started singing, "Tis so sweet to trust in Jesus, just to take Him at His Word. Just to rest upon His promise, just to know thus saith the Lord." I could finally see the baby. My heart soared, and then I woke up, devastated because it was so close, yet so far away.
In October of 2007, my doctor called me when I was home on my lunch break, and she informed me that my levels were lower than they had ever been. "Stacy, I will agree to do one more round of medicine, but if that doesn't fix it, I am afraid there is nothing else we can do." Those words hit me hard. I hung up the phone, collapsed onto the floor of my kitchen, and began to pray. Actually, it was more crying and sobbing than praying, but somewhere during the tears, I managed to pray, "God, I have been faithful. Your Word says You will be faithful to me. It's time I see it. I can't do this anymore." I continued to cry and weep. I can't describe in words how HARD I cried. So hard in fact, that I physically hurt after it was all over. I picked myself up off the floor, wiped my tears, and went back to work - red-faced and swollen eyed.
Two weeks later, we were helping some friends move, and I told my friend that I was 2 weeks late, and I figured I needed to go ahead and take a pregnancy test because that always seemed to trigger my body's natural response to your body is designed to do each month. A couple of days later, I stopped by Kroger and bought a test, ran through Burger King drive-thru, and went home. I called Bubba and told him what I had done, and he will tell you now, that he began to brace himself for me calling and crying because another month of failing was about to rear its ugly head. I went home, took the test, and sat down to eat my burger. I waited the 3 minutes, walked into the bathroom, and picked up the test. "Pregnant." I blinked a couple of times and looked again. "Pregnant". I started crying and saying, "Oh my God! I can't believe it! I can't believe it!" I called Bubba and attempted to form a sentence of "I'm pregnant!" After a couple of times of attempting it, Bubba finally said, "Baby, I love you, but I can't understand a word you are saying." I took a deep breath and said, "We're going to have a baby!" And after 7-1/2 years of trying, through months and months of tears and aggravation, my husband's response was "Cool". Cool? That still makes me laugh.
9 months later, after a problem free pregnancy, my beautiful daughter, Addisyn Dianne Sapp, was born. She had chubby cheeks a head full of hair just like in my dream.
 | ||
| Addisyn Dianne Sapp (2 weeks old) |
I couldn't believe that all my prayers, and literally dreams, had come true. She has blessed my life so much. I never thought I would enjoy being a mom as much as I have. I look at her sometimes and think, "Wow! She's really mine!!" I sometimes stare at her just so I can engrave her picture in my mind. The goodness of God is prevalent, and the tangible reminder of His promise and faithfulness to me sleeps across the hall from me each night. And she loves Jesus with everything she has. She prays for her teachers and friends. I have been told my several people that she has such a sweet Spirit, which I believe is God's love flowing through her. It has been almost 4 years since she entered my life, and I can't believe how fast time has flown.
 |
| Mother's Day 2011 |
My Mother's Days are so much better now, but my heart still aches for those women that are living the emotional hell I lived for 7-1/2 years. So, this Mother's Day, when you are celebrating those Moms that are in your life - whether your own or someone else, stop for a second, and say a prayer for those women in this world that are really suffering today because of lies they may believe about themselves - lies of being a failure, being unworthy, or being less of a woman. Truth be told, they don't realize the potential they have - either as a biological mom, an adoptive mother, or just a strong woman who can impact a generation of women to come.
Happy Mother's Day to everyone!!
Friday, May 11, 2012
Cheeseburgers or Self-Control
Yesterday was a bust!! I have been very good on my diet since Sunday. I have tracked everything I have eaten. Monday, I walked 2 miles, Tuesday 1 mile, Wednesday 1 mile (before church, I might add). I just knew it was going to be a better week. So, I decided to cheat and weigh yesterday morning. I usually weigh on Sundays, but I wanted to see how great my hard work had paid off. So, I step on the scale, and what did I see - nothing. NOT ONE SINGLE OUNCE!!! "How could this be?" I wondered. I did everything right. And that is when it happened - I was faced with a choice.
I am an emotional eater. I eat when I'm stressed, sad, angry, bored, happy.....basically if I'm breathing, I can find a reason to eat. So, there I am - standing on the scale and I hear "What's the use?" My first response was to eat whatever I wanted this morning for breakfast. I posted on Facebook my dilemma, and a friend of mine basically said, "Yeah, a big, fat, greasy, calorie loaded cheeseburger would fix everything!" In the back of my mind, I rationalized it. I was mad. What was the use. I haven't had red meat in a month!! A month, people!!! I could already hear Whataburger calling my name.
Then reality sank in. So, I eat the cheeseburger, and then what's next? I gain more weight. I feel worse about myself. I eventually give up until I decide that it is time to start eating right again, and then I am at a higher weight that I was originally. So, I decided to go for self-control and eat right. I had a PB&J sandwich - everything weighed out and counted for. As one of my friend's described me, I am anal about it. Which I count as a good thing. I have to have structure.
All in all, I did good. I had a sandwich and Terra chips for lunch. I had 2 bottles of water, which is about 33 ounces of water, plus 3 glasses of tea at dinner.
Last night was Addisyn's Early Childhood Program at school. We have really struggled with her having stage fright, but she did great at her dance recital last week, and so I was hoping for her to do great lats night. And she did!! She was the best baker/locomotive engineer that she ever could be! And it was while she was standing there singing and dancing, that I remembered why I do what I am doing. It is because of her. I don't want her to grow up without a momma. I don't want my husband to have to raise her - the very miracle we prayed for together. It wouldn't be fair to him or to her to make them do it on their own because I chose to love cheeseburgers more than them. And isn't that what it boils down to? I love my food and the feeling of comfort more than I love the idea of being with them for the next 40 years.
So - in that light, cheeseburgers or self control? I pick self-control, and in doing so, I pick my family.
I am an emotional eater. I eat when I'm stressed, sad, angry, bored, happy.....basically if I'm breathing, I can find a reason to eat. So, there I am - standing on the scale and I hear "What's the use?" My first response was to eat whatever I wanted this morning for breakfast. I posted on Facebook my dilemma, and a friend of mine basically said, "Yeah, a big, fat, greasy, calorie loaded cheeseburger would fix everything!" In the back of my mind, I rationalized it. I was mad. What was the use. I haven't had red meat in a month!! A month, people!!! I could already hear Whataburger calling my name.
Then reality sank in. So, I eat the cheeseburger, and then what's next? I gain more weight. I feel worse about myself. I eventually give up until I decide that it is time to start eating right again, and then I am at a higher weight that I was originally. So, I decided to go for self-control and eat right. I had a PB&J sandwich - everything weighed out and counted for. As one of my friend's described me, I am anal about it. Which I count as a good thing. I have to have structure.
All in all, I did good. I had a sandwich and Terra chips for lunch. I had 2 bottles of water, which is about 33 ounces of water, plus 3 glasses of tea at dinner.
Last night was Addisyn's Early Childhood Program at school. We have really struggled with her having stage fright, but she did great at her dance recital last week, and so I was hoping for her to do great lats night. And she did!! She was the best baker/locomotive engineer that she ever could be! And it was while she was standing there singing and dancing, that I remembered why I do what I am doing. It is because of her. I don't want her to grow up without a momma. I don't want my husband to have to raise her - the very miracle we prayed for together. It wouldn't be fair to him or to her to make them do it on their own because I chose to love cheeseburgers more than them. And isn't that what it boils down to? I love my food and the feeling of comfort more than I love the idea of being with them for the next 40 years.
So - in that light, cheeseburgers or self control? I pick self-control, and in doing so, I pick my family.
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