Memorial Day

This weekend is a very special weekend.  Sadly, for many they only view this weekend as a day to go to the lake, go to parties or cookouts, or to hang out at the pool with their friends.  Don't get me wrong - I am enjoying those things too.  However, we must remember what this day is for.  My grandfather was in the military, and every time I look at the American Flag that was draped over his casket, but now resides in my house, I remember not only what a great man he was and how much I love and miss him, but I also think about the men and women who gave their all.  Did they give their all because of the status it would bring them?  No.  They gave their all because they believed in their cause - the cause to ensure freedom for their fellow Americans and generations to come.  I recently lost a cousin, who was extended family I never met,in the war in Afghanistan.  Technically, he was past the cut-off age to join the military, but he loved his country so much and was so passionate about what he believed in, he was allowed to join.  His immediate family has been on my mind today.  To those who served, I say thank you. For those who have relatives who gave everything, I say thank you.  Thank you for instilling that sense of pride and dedication to a cause so that I can live a free life.

Although I celebrate the true reason for why this day is special, this Memorial Day has a different meaning for me this year as well.  As you all know who read my blog, I am on this great journey we call "weight loss".  Some of you also may refer to it as "the journey to Hell", the "what do you mean I can't eat a entire bag of Oreos?" lifestyle, or the ever popular "Diet - it's only the word "die" with a "t" at the end." mantra.  I have come to accept the fact that I am a food addict, and part of admitting and working through that, is recognizing your triggers.  This week has been very trying for me.  When I get upset, I want to eat.  I don't really care what it is.  In fact, the more calories the better, because we all know that the more calories it contains, the better is tastes!  

Last weekend was a really good weekend for me food-wise.  We went to my sister-in-law and brother-in-law's house for a break and to see Dave Matthews in concert.  It was a great time.  We have so much fun with them.  My sister-in-law and I have been friends for 27 years, so it is like hanging out with friends who just happen to be family.  I also got to see my sister and her husband because they kept Addisyn so we could have an adults only weekend.  Normally, I would say "This is a free weekend.  I will eat whatever I want and not feel guilty about it."  But, I decided that I would try really hard to do good.  I weighed on Friday before we left, and when we got back, I weighed again and lost 0.4 lbs.  Not too shabby, not too shabby.  

However, I had an emotional setback early in the week.  I have dealt with a lot of things in my life, but there is still one issue I deal with almost daily.  It is one of my biggest triggers for gorging myself.  I cried most of Monday, but a great friend said, "Hey - let's go to lunch and just talk."  I picked Subway because I knew I could control what I ate there.  We ate lunch together, and of course she made me laugh like she always does when I am around her.  By the end of it, I felt better.  However, I would still hear those words in the back of my mind that continue to be a haunting voice of defeat and self-loathing.  I came home, we had dinner, and later that night, after Addisyn had gone to bed, I got on the treadmill.  I walked/ran, and while I was doing that, I worked through some stuff in my mind.  Am I completely "fixed"? No.  But, after I worked out, I felt better.  I came back to the living room and sat down on the couch.  Bubba came and sat down next to me and said some of the most uplifting and loving words I think he may ever said to me (other than "What are you doing the rest of your life?").  He looked at me and said, "I''m proud of you."  I looked at him puzzled and said, "For what?"  He said, "You had a really bad day.  And you came home, ate sensibly, didn't overeat, and you exercised.  I'm really proud of you.  That's good, baby."  I turned my head, and I don't know if he saw or not, but I had tears in my eyes.  It was then that I realized that I CAN control my emotions when it comes to eating.  I did it!!  Do I have it conquered forever?  Probably not, but I know it's possible.

This morning, I got up and weighed liked I do every Sunday morning.  I just wanted to see a small loss - something to prove that I did good, and everything that I went through all week was worth it.  I lost 4.2 lbs this week.  I got off the scale, hit it with my foot to reset it, and got back on.  I couldn't believe it.  I did it!! I got past my first emotional obstacle, but I am not naive to believe that it won't happen again.  But today, May 27th, will serve as a memorial of my own - that food doesn't control me.  My emotions can control me at times, but they didn't win this week.  Take that, sucka!!

I am often afraid to put myself out here in "Blogville" because it is like living a reality tv show.  Everyone gets a glimpse in your life.  And to probably some fault (and stupidity) of my own, I am pretty straight-forward and transparent on here.  Whatever I am feeling, you will probably know.  Anyone who knows me personally knows that I don't hide my emotions very well.  Hopefully, though, I can encourage someone along the way.

So, to everyone who is military, whether active or current, thanks again for protecting me.  And to myself - way to go!!  You can do this, even in the midst of having a craptastic start to your week.  And to those who are on this journey with me - what will be your own personal Memorial Day?  Whatever it is - make it count.