This past week, my husband was out of town for work, and so therefore, rather than cook a large meal for Addisyn and me each night, we ate out. Eating at restaurants is always tricky, but I think I made some good choices. Bubba came home on Friday, and we had dinner with some friends that night, a play last night that my Goddaughter was in, and today is Fresh Beat Band with Addisyn.
Friday, I decided that I had been good all week, and so therefore, I deserved to have a night where I could eat what I wanted and just enjoy being with friends. That led to yesterday, having a piece of cake, a piece of sopapilla cheesecake, and 2 bean burritos for dinner (at least I had a grilled chicken sandwich for lunch!). I weighed this morning and gained 2.2 lbs in a week. Gee! Should I be surprised now that I have looked back at what I ate the last 2 days after being so good all week?
I woke up and was disgusted with myself. Why even try? Then, the blog I read daily (runsforcookies.com) posted a blog of a lady that she reads. I read her blog, and it was like reading what I posted a couple of days ago. She talked about battling her weight all of her life, making poor decisions, getting started and then messing up, and finally deciding that her family was worth it and that she was worth it. She talked about watching Biggest Loser, which I watch religiously, and how she longed to be that person who could lose 9 lbs in a week. She has lost quite a bit of weight and is preparing for a marathon. I can never imagine running a marathon, but that is the furthest thing from my mind right now.
Thursday night, Addisyn and I were getting ready to go meet some friends, and I was helping her get ready, and she looked up at me and said, "Mommy, you're so pretty!" I just started crying. Face it! Kids can be brutally honest! So for her to tell me that I am pretty makes me realize that she loves me for me - not dependent upon how much I weigh, and that I will always be pretty to her. Shouldn't I want to be a better mom to her? Bubba tells me all the time I am beautiful. Shouldn't I want to be a more active partner with him in doing everything in life?
So - I am stepping back and starting over. I will make better choices and remind myself that for now (and maybe forever), I can't do what others do. I have to track my food. I have to be conscientious of what I eat. I can't just chill out and grab a plate without measuring what is there.
Today is another day, but I have all the power to decide what happens in it. Will I make bad choices and eat what appeals to me, or will I decide that I am worth it, Bubba is worth it, and Addisyn is worth it, and make good decisions? My heart is focused on the latter.
Sunday, April 29, 2012
Wednesday, April 25, 2012
You Can't Make This Stuff Up!
Webster defines generosity as abundance, plenty.
In East Texas terms, I am finding that to be "Hey, here's free food!"
If you read my previous blog, you will understand. If you haven't, you
need to go back and check it out.
Okay, so today was my quiet lunch day. No friends to hang out with. No one to listen to my complain about my day (gee, wonder why there weren't any takers on that one?). So, I went to SmashBurger and just enjoyed (and I say that VERY SARCASTICALLY) this new book I am reading called "Radical". So, I order my grilled chicken sandwich and jalapeno slices. I know you all thought I was getting french fries, but I fooled you. The fried jalapeno slices are lower in fat and calories, and I like spicy, so we switched it up. However, when "Hector" (I have no idea what his name is.....he just looked like a Hector or an Enrique, but I digress) repeated my order back to me, he said "Grilled Chicken sandwich, fried pickles and a drink." I kindly explained that I didn't want fried pickles, but that I wanted fried jalapenos. He apologized politely, and corrected the order. I filled my cup with unsweet black ice tea with citrus undertones (it is what the tea pitcher says) and lemons and sat down to torture myself... I mean, read my book.
While I was sitting there, a grandmother, her infant granddaughter, and her grown son walked in. I admired the baby from afar, but wasn't too happy when she sat right next to me. And I when I say right next to me, I mean that. I sat on a long bench, and there was literally one chair width between me and Grandma. "Great," I thought, "I'm never going to be able to concentrate on this book." I resigned myself that I would have to concentrate harder than ever before, and when the Smashburger lady brought my food to me, my heart stopped. She sat the food down, and what was before me? My grilled chicken without tomato and onion just as I ordered, my order of fried jalapenos.....and the order of fried pickles that (1) I didn't order, and (2) I didn't pay for.
"Ma'am, there has been a mistake. You see, I said fried jalapenos. The cashier thought I said fried pickles, but we corrected it, and I didn't pay for these." She smiled and said, "It's okay. You keep them." And with that, she walked away. Really? Really? Here I am. Trying to be good,and within 2 days of each other, I have had a free upsize on my fries and now free pickles??? You can't make this up!! Never in 35 years of living have I had 2 free things in one week!! And now!!! This has to be some cruel joke!
I removed the pickles from my basket (by the way, it is enough to feed 2 people!), and analyzed my situation. I knew I wanted the jalapenos - I came specifically for them. I convinced myself I didn't need to nibble on both the pickles and the jalapenos. I was good, but they kept staring me in the face. It was like I could hear that Vlasic Pickle Stork saying, "There's nothing like a fried pickle. Eat them!!!" The grandma next to me must have noticed some sort of battle going on in my mind because she said, "Oooh. Are those the frittas? You know, the asparagus, carrots, and green beans?" I said, "No, ma'am. These are the jalapenos." She gave me a look and said, "Well, I have never had those, but the pickles are delicious!" At that moment, it was like the skies parted, the angels sang a rousing chorus of "Hallelujah" and I knew at that instant - that lady sat next to me so I could bless her with my free pickle stash!
I explained to her what had happened and said, "Would you like these? I mean, I'm not going to to eat them. They will just be thrown away. I haven't touched them, I promise." She shrugged her shoulders and said, "Sure!". Just as I was giving them to her, her son walked up and said, "You can't be conning people out of their food!" (Literal quote!) She said, "She offered!" I smiled and turned back to my food. Food crisis averted! Although, now that I think back to what her son said, I am beginning to wonder if it is a regular occurrence for her to "be conning people out of their food".
What have I learned from my two episodes this week???
I'm taking my lunch tomorrow.
P.S. - I had the Sweet and Spicy Chicken at Chili's tonight. It is under the "Lighter Combinations" and is served with steamed broccoli and rice. It is delicious! And the best part - it is under 750 calories!! You gotta try it!
Okay, so today was my quiet lunch day. No friends to hang out with. No one to listen to my complain about my day (gee, wonder why there weren't any takers on that one?). So, I went to SmashBurger and just enjoyed (and I say that VERY SARCASTICALLY) this new book I am reading called "Radical". So, I order my grilled chicken sandwich and jalapeno slices. I know you all thought I was getting french fries, but I fooled you. The fried jalapeno slices are lower in fat and calories, and I like spicy, so we switched it up. However, when "Hector" (I have no idea what his name is.....he just looked like a Hector or an Enrique, but I digress) repeated my order back to me, he said "Grilled Chicken sandwich, fried pickles and a drink." I kindly explained that I didn't want fried pickles, but that I wanted fried jalapenos. He apologized politely, and corrected the order. I filled my cup with unsweet black ice tea with citrus undertones (it is what the tea pitcher says) and lemons and sat down to torture myself... I mean, read my book.
While I was sitting there, a grandmother, her infant granddaughter, and her grown son walked in. I admired the baby from afar, but wasn't too happy when she sat right next to me. And I when I say right next to me, I mean that. I sat on a long bench, and there was literally one chair width between me and Grandma. "Great," I thought, "I'm never going to be able to concentrate on this book." I resigned myself that I would have to concentrate harder than ever before, and when the Smashburger lady brought my food to me, my heart stopped. She sat the food down, and what was before me? My grilled chicken without tomato and onion just as I ordered, my order of fried jalapenos.....and the order of fried pickles that (1) I didn't order, and (2) I didn't pay for.
"Ma'am, there has been a mistake. You see, I said fried jalapenos. The cashier thought I said fried pickles, but we corrected it, and I didn't pay for these." She smiled and said, "It's okay. You keep them." And with that, she walked away. Really? Really? Here I am. Trying to be good,and within 2 days of each other, I have had a free upsize on my fries and now free pickles??? You can't make this up!! Never in 35 years of living have I had 2 free things in one week!! And now!!! This has to be some cruel joke!
I removed the pickles from my basket (by the way, it is enough to feed 2 people!), and analyzed my situation. I knew I wanted the jalapenos - I came specifically for them. I convinced myself I didn't need to nibble on both the pickles and the jalapenos. I was good, but they kept staring me in the face. It was like I could hear that Vlasic Pickle Stork saying, "There's nothing like a fried pickle. Eat them!!!" The grandma next to me must have noticed some sort of battle going on in my mind because she said, "Oooh. Are those the frittas? You know, the asparagus, carrots, and green beans?" I said, "No, ma'am. These are the jalapenos." She gave me a look and said, "Well, I have never had those, but the pickles are delicious!" At that moment, it was like the skies parted, the angels sang a rousing chorus of "Hallelujah" and I knew at that instant - that lady sat next to me so I could bless her with my free pickle stash!
I explained to her what had happened and said, "Would you like these? I mean, I'm not going to to eat them. They will just be thrown away. I haven't touched them, I promise." She shrugged her shoulders and said, "Sure!". Just as I was giving them to her, her son walked up and said, "You can't be conning people out of their food!" (Literal quote!) She said, "She offered!" I smiled and turned back to my food. Food crisis averted! Although, now that I think back to what her son said, I am beginning to wonder if it is a regular occurrence for her to "be conning people out of their food".
What have I learned from my two episodes this week???
I'm taking my lunch tomorrow.
P.S. - I had the Sweet and Spicy Chicken at Chili's tonight. It is under the "Lighter Combinations" and is served with steamed broccoli and rice. It is delicious! And the best part - it is under 750 calories!! You gotta try it!
Tuesday, April 24, 2012
"I upsized your fries....."
So, I had great feedback from my first post. A lot of "You made me cry!" reactions. A lot of "You did great" responses. Hopefully, I won't continue to make you cry. That would be a downer of a blog!
Yesterday was a good day. I find that my biggest obstacle is controlling my fat grams. Why is everything loaded with fat???? Can we just pretend it doesn't exist? I am trying really hard to look at what I am eating, and since using SparkPeople requires you to list the fat, I can gauge where I am each day.
I have recently started reading a blog called "Runs for Cookies". It is a great blog and an inspiring story of a young mom of 2 who lost over 100 lbs in a little over a year. I find her title very fitting - "runs for cookies". I run more TO cookies than FOR cookies! Yesterday's blog was good because she talked of not depriving herself of the good things she enjoys - candy, ice cream, cookies, etc. So - I started thinking that I needed to focus on that concept. So often I get locked into this "I can't have that" mentality, and what does that do? Makes me want it even more!! So - I decided to see what I could do with that thought for yesterday.
Addi and I are on our own for dinner this week, so being 3 what does Addisyn choose? McDonalds!! Well, I had McDonalds for lunch yesterday (grilled chicken sandwich and fries) with a beautiful friend and mentor. I wasn't in the mood for McDonald's again. So, I went to Burger King and got a grilled chicken sandwich, and you guessed it - fries. Yes - I know I shouldn't have fries twice in the same day, but really? I didn't want a salad and - I HATE FRUIT! So, I pull through the Burger King line and order my sandwich and Diet Dr. Pepper. I pull to the window, pay for my food, and the lady informs me they are cooking my chicken sandwich, so I should pull around. "Great," I thought. "I love fresh food." So, I pull around and read my book, when I finally realize I have sat and waited for 15 minutes. We have officially moved past "cooking my chicken" to "catching, defeathering, and then cooking my chicken". The little girl comes out of Burger King with my food and says politely, "I am so sorry you had to wait. I upsized your fries to a large for free." I just sat there. Not sure what I should say. I said, "Thanks", but what I really wanted to say was, "Sweetie, let's think about this. I pull through a burger joint, order a grilled chicken sandwich and a diet drink, and you think it appropriate to upsize my fries???" I just took my food a left.
All the way home, I had the constant battle of "Should I eat them? Should I throw them away? I can't throw them away because that would be wasteful. I can't eat them because then I couldn't have my small pack of candy (which I count calories for) before I go to bed." However, I gave in and had the fries, but I didn't eat the candy.
Lunch today was with a dear friend who I was able to reconnect with. We had Mexican food, but all I ordered was 2 chicken soft tacos - no beans, no rice. I also only ate 2 chips. The tacos were good, the fellowship was fantastic!
Tonight, I met another friend for dinner at Texas Roadhouse. First, let me say that I love red meat. I mean, really love it. A steak is the closest thing to manna I think I will ever taste this side of Heaven. However, Bubba has developed gout, and therefore, we have not had any red meat since last week. So, I sit down and look through the menu, but I have already decided on what I am eating before I get there. The Mushroom Chicken Sandwich, and instead of the fries that come with it, I ordered green beans. I only ate 1 roll. I texted Bubba and said, "I stared face to face with the beast and overcame!! I came to Roadhouse and had chicken!" Haha! Several times, I thought "You dummy! You could have had a steak just this one time", but I didn't. I came, enjoyed my chicken sandwich, and enjoyed the conversation even more!
I came home and wondered how many calories and fat I saved myself by making better choices. My normal meal at Texas Roadhouse would consist of a 10oz Ribeye steak, salad with honey mustard dressing, loaded baked potatoes, sauteed mushrooms, and probably 2-3 rolls. I totaled the calories and fat and found out it was 1669 calories, and 64.5 grams of fat. In reality, it is probably more than that because I would have had 2-3 cokes while I was there, too. My dinner tonight was 772 calories and 25.5 grams of fat, which is 897 calories less than it would have been and 39 grams of fat less. Plus - I drank unsweet tea with lemon which saved me even more calories. An even bigger shock? That old meal is only 103 calories shy of what I have eaten ALL DAY!!!! To put it in that perspective made me realize how bad my choices were before. and that I was just as full and just as satisfied as if I would have gorged myself stupid eating the old meal.
So - to the size 4 girl at Burger King who "upsized my fries" for free - thanks for the lesson. The lesson that I can still enjoy what I want, but I can make better choices. I could have easily eaten the large fries and then ate candy, but I decided it wasn't worth it. I also learned that the choices I make can be better, and I can be just as happy.
Lesson learned.
Yesterday was a good day. I find that my biggest obstacle is controlling my fat grams. Why is everything loaded with fat???? Can we just pretend it doesn't exist? I am trying really hard to look at what I am eating, and since using SparkPeople requires you to list the fat, I can gauge where I am each day.
I have recently started reading a blog called "Runs for Cookies". It is a great blog and an inspiring story of a young mom of 2 who lost over 100 lbs in a little over a year. I find her title very fitting - "runs for cookies". I run more TO cookies than FOR cookies! Yesterday's blog was good because she talked of not depriving herself of the good things she enjoys - candy, ice cream, cookies, etc. So - I started thinking that I needed to focus on that concept. So often I get locked into this "I can't have that" mentality, and what does that do? Makes me want it even more!! So - I decided to see what I could do with that thought for yesterday.
Addi and I are on our own for dinner this week, so being 3 what does Addisyn choose? McDonalds!! Well, I had McDonalds for lunch yesterday (grilled chicken sandwich and fries) with a beautiful friend and mentor. I wasn't in the mood for McDonald's again. So, I went to Burger King and got a grilled chicken sandwich, and you guessed it - fries. Yes - I know I shouldn't have fries twice in the same day, but really? I didn't want a salad and - I HATE FRUIT! So, I pull through the Burger King line and order my sandwich and Diet Dr. Pepper. I pull to the window, pay for my food, and the lady informs me they are cooking my chicken sandwich, so I should pull around. "Great," I thought. "I love fresh food." So, I pull around and read my book, when I finally realize I have sat and waited for 15 minutes. We have officially moved past "cooking my chicken" to "catching, defeathering, and then cooking my chicken". The little girl comes out of Burger King with my food and says politely, "I am so sorry you had to wait. I upsized your fries to a large for free." I just sat there. Not sure what I should say. I said, "Thanks", but what I really wanted to say was, "Sweetie, let's think about this. I pull through a burger joint, order a grilled chicken sandwich and a diet drink, and you think it appropriate to upsize my fries???" I just took my food a left.
All the way home, I had the constant battle of "Should I eat them? Should I throw them away? I can't throw them away because that would be wasteful. I can't eat them because then I couldn't have my small pack of candy (which I count calories for) before I go to bed." However, I gave in and had the fries, but I didn't eat the candy.
Lunch today was with a dear friend who I was able to reconnect with. We had Mexican food, but all I ordered was 2 chicken soft tacos - no beans, no rice. I also only ate 2 chips. The tacos were good, the fellowship was fantastic!
Tonight, I met another friend for dinner at Texas Roadhouse. First, let me say that I love red meat. I mean, really love it. A steak is the closest thing to manna I think I will ever taste this side of Heaven. However, Bubba has developed gout, and therefore, we have not had any red meat since last week. So, I sit down and look through the menu, but I have already decided on what I am eating before I get there. The Mushroom Chicken Sandwich, and instead of the fries that come with it, I ordered green beans. I only ate 1 roll. I texted Bubba and said, "I stared face to face with the beast and overcame!! I came to Roadhouse and had chicken!" Haha! Several times, I thought "You dummy! You could have had a steak just this one time", but I didn't. I came, enjoyed my chicken sandwich, and enjoyed the conversation even more!
I came home and wondered how many calories and fat I saved myself by making better choices. My normal meal at Texas Roadhouse would consist of a 10oz Ribeye steak, salad with honey mustard dressing, loaded baked potatoes, sauteed mushrooms, and probably 2-3 rolls. I totaled the calories and fat and found out it was 1669 calories, and 64.5 grams of fat. In reality, it is probably more than that because I would have had 2-3 cokes while I was there, too. My dinner tonight was 772 calories and 25.5 grams of fat, which is 897 calories less than it would have been and 39 grams of fat less. Plus - I drank unsweet tea with lemon which saved me even more calories. An even bigger shock? That old meal is only 103 calories shy of what I have eaten ALL DAY!!!! To put it in that perspective made me realize how bad my choices were before. and that I was just as full and just as satisfied as if I would have gorged myself stupid eating the old meal.
So - to the size 4 girl at Burger King who "upsized my fries" for free - thanks for the lesson. The lesson that I can still enjoy what I want, but I can make better choices. I could have easily eaten the large fries and then ate candy, but I decided it wasn't worth it. I also learned that the choices I make can be better, and I can be just as happy.
Lesson learned.
Sunday, April 22, 2012
Here we go.......
Okay - so my daughter sings a version of Beyonce's song "Survivor", but she puts her own spin on a portion of the words. It goes a little something like this - "I'm a survivor....I'm not gonna make it". While at first this made me giggle, I think sometimes I feel like that.
My name, Stacy, means "Strengthened". I have always been strong, and therefore, felt I could survive anything. However, I look back on some things in my life and thought, "I'm not gonna make it." And, I guess that is where the idea of starting this blog started.
You see, I have never really been into blogs, but I have recently started reading a couple, and it has made me think. What if I shared my journey with people? I mean, really open up and see what people think? What kind of encouragement can they offer? What similar situations have they been in? However, if I am going to survive, God will provide me what I need, but I also need help from people in forms of encouragement. True, I may never have any readers, but putting things down on paper (or on a computer screen) will help me, I think. So - what does my life consist of that I needed to start this blog? For those of you that don't know my story, let me take you back quickly.
I was born a poor white child.....okay, sorry for the movie reference (lol). Seriously, I was born in October of 1976. My parents divorced shortly thereafter, from what I have been told. My daddy remarried when I was 2, and I have had the same stepmother for 33 years. From that marriage, I have a brother and sister. My mom remarried several times, and from one of those marriages, I have a sister. I was a straight A student (for the most part), always did the right thing, stayed out of trouble, hung out with my friends, had a job at 15 to help support my mom, and was a pretty good all around kid. Sounds like a great life, right? Well, it would have been perfect if I didn't see myself as hideous because of my weight. Every boy I was interested in didn't see me as a "girlfriend" type. I was the girl that was great to have around when the boy I was interested in didn't have a girlfriend. I was always the funny girl - the one that everyone wanted to be around. Long story short - there were no dates, no proms, no first-date butterflies or first kisses. Between weight problems and family issues, I was a very angry person.
As a freshman in college, I suffered a knee injury and was told by my doctor that I had to get 100 lbs off of me as quick as possible. Well, in 3 months, I lost 100 lbs thanks to diet pills and salad with 2 tbsp of fat free dressing for every meal. The knee got better, and I didn't have to have surgery. During this time, God blessed me with a wonderful guy when I was 19. He was 16 (yes, I know - I got him young). We started dating and I felt like I was on top of the world. However, the weight started creeping back on since I didn't deal with the emotional trash that caused me to be that big in the first place. I was so afraid that he would leave me for someone prettier,, skinnier, and more his type. How big you ask? Yeah - I am not going to even say. I'm not ready to broach that subject yet. But - 15 years later, we are married and have a beautiful little girl.
That little girl? Her name is Addisyn, and she is the one who loves to sing the wrong lyrics to songs, but is very quick to tell me that I am not old enough to know the right lyrics! We tried for 7 years to get pregnant, but my doctor basically told me that it would be hard because of my weight. She looked at me around year 6 and said, "Face it, Stacy - you're a big girl." Okay - for the big girls out there - you know we all know we are big, but you don't want someone to just throw it out there in your face!!! Well, it seemed to do the trick. I joined Weight Watchers and a gym, and one year later, I was down 60 lbs. We were still having problems getting pregnant. My doctor called me in October of 2007 and told me that there was nothing else she could do for me. I fell on my kitchen floor and cried. I told God I was faithful to Him, and now I was ready for Him to be faithful to me and bless me with the baby I had seen in my dreams for the last 2 months. Little did i know, I was pregnant when I was throwing my pity party. She was born 9 months later and has been the light of my life ever since. She loves Jesus with everything in her and is very quick to tell you that He is alive!!
After I had her, my weight had climbed back to where I was before I lost the weight. My new problem? One herniated disc and one bulging disc in the lower part of my back. I had back surgery in July 2009. Do you know what that doctor had the nerve to say to me in his sweet Cajun voice? "You need to lose weight." Again for the big girls - really? You think we don't know that????
So - here I am. Three years later, and I am at the same weight I was after surgery when the doctor ever so gently reminded me that I wasn't the skinniest girl in the office. I have struggled all of my life with my weight. I don't have money for gyms. I feel guilty leaving Addisyn with a sitter after she has been in school all day away from her daddy and me. So - I am doing this on my own.
The picture above is my beautiful family on Easter this year. This will be my "starting" picture. I have been on this lifestyle journey for a week now, and I have lost 5.8 lbs using SparkPeople. That is diet change only - no exercise. Does that tell you the trash I was eating?
I am scared of failure, scared of succeeding and being so unsure of myself in a new body and lifestyle, but anxious to see what I will feel and look like if I lost a significant amount of weight. I have such a myriad of emotions running through my brain. I guess that's why I started this blog. To get everything out. You are just the lucky people that get to read my ramblings! But when the day is done, the dust has settled, and I stop and think about how much I am missing out on, how much my wonderful husband is missing out on not having a wife who is in shape, and how much my beautiful miracle is missing out on because Mommy can't do the things other Mommies do, I know one thing - it is time to take charge and remember what my name means - strengthened. Will I fail occasionally? I am sure. Will I get back up and start over? I really hope so. I have to change.
So - Addisyn, even though I love your version of your song, Mommy has to learn to sing the correct version "I'm a survivor - I'm not gonna give up - I'm not gonna stop - I'm gonna work harder", and try to remember what my name means every day.
My name, Stacy, means "Strengthened". I have always been strong, and therefore, felt I could survive anything. However, I look back on some things in my life and thought, "I'm not gonna make it." And, I guess that is where the idea of starting this blog started.
You see, I have never really been into blogs, but I have recently started reading a couple, and it has made me think. What if I shared my journey with people? I mean, really open up and see what people think? What kind of encouragement can they offer? What similar situations have they been in? However, if I am going to survive, God will provide me what I need, but I also need help from people in forms of encouragement. True, I may never have any readers, but putting things down on paper (or on a computer screen) will help me, I think. So - what does my life consist of that I needed to start this blog? For those of you that don't know my story, let me take you back quickly.
I was born a poor white child.....okay, sorry for the movie reference (lol). Seriously, I was born in October of 1976. My parents divorced shortly thereafter, from what I have been told. My daddy remarried when I was 2, and I have had the same stepmother for 33 years. From that marriage, I have a brother and sister. My mom remarried several times, and from one of those marriages, I have a sister. I was a straight A student (for the most part), always did the right thing, stayed out of trouble, hung out with my friends, had a job at 15 to help support my mom, and was a pretty good all around kid. Sounds like a great life, right? Well, it would have been perfect if I didn't see myself as hideous because of my weight. Every boy I was interested in didn't see me as a "girlfriend" type. I was the girl that was great to have around when the boy I was interested in didn't have a girlfriend. I was always the funny girl - the one that everyone wanted to be around. Long story short - there were no dates, no proms, no first-date butterflies or first kisses. Between weight problems and family issues, I was a very angry person.
As a freshman in college, I suffered a knee injury and was told by my doctor that I had to get 100 lbs off of me as quick as possible. Well, in 3 months, I lost 100 lbs thanks to diet pills and salad with 2 tbsp of fat free dressing for every meal. The knee got better, and I didn't have to have surgery. During this time, God blessed me with a wonderful guy when I was 19. He was 16 (yes, I know - I got him young). We started dating and I felt like I was on top of the world. However, the weight started creeping back on since I didn't deal with the emotional trash that caused me to be that big in the first place. I was so afraid that he would leave me for someone prettier,, skinnier, and more his type. How big you ask? Yeah - I am not going to even say. I'm not ready to broach that subject yet. But - 15 years later, we are married and have a beautiful little girl.
That little girl? Her name is Addisyn, and she is the one who loves to sing the wrong lyrics to songs, but is very quick to tell me that I am not old enough to know the right lyrics! We tried for 7 years to get pregnant, but my doctor basically told me that it would be hard because of my weight. She looked at me around year 6 and said, "Face it, Stacy - you're a big girl." Okay - for the big girls out there - you know we all know we are big, but you don't want someone to just throw it out there in your face!!! Well, it seemed to do the trick. I joined Weight Watchers and a gym, and one year later, I was down 60 lbs. We were still having problems getting pregnant. My doctor called me in October of 2007 and told me that there was nothing else she could do for me. I fell on my kitchen floor and cried. I told God I was faithful to Him, and now I was ready for Him to be faithful to me and bless me with the baby I had seen in my dreams for the last 2 months. Little did i know, I was pregnant when I was throwing my pity party. She was born 9 months later and has been the light of my life ever since. She loves Jesus with everything in her and is very quick to tell you that He is alive!!
After I had her, my weight had climbed back to where I was before I lost the weight. My new problem? One herniated disc and one bulging disc in the lower part of my back. I had back surgery in July 2009. Do you know what that doctor had the nerve to say to me in his sweet Cajun voice? "You need to lose weight." Again for the big girls - really? You think we don't know that????
So - here I am. Three years later, and I am at the same weight I was after surgery when the doctor ever so gently reminded me that I wasn't the skinniest girl in the office. I have struggled all of my life with my weight. I don't have money for gyms. I feel guilty leaving Addisyn with a sitter after she has been in school all day away from her daddy and me. So - I am doing this on my own.
The picture above is my beautiful family on Easter this year. This will be my "starting" picture. I have been on this lifestyle journey for a week now, and I have lost 5.8 lbs using SparkPeople. That is diet change only - no exercise. Does that tell you the trash I was eating?
I am scared of failure, scared of succeeding and being so unsure of myself in a new body and lifestyle, but anxious to see what I will feel and look like if I lost a significant amount of weight. I have such a myriad of emotions running through my brain. I guess that's why I started this blog. To get everything out. You are just the lucky people that get to read my ramblings! But when the day is done, the dust has settled, and I stop and think about how much I am missing out on, how much my wonderful husband is missing out on not having a wife who is in shape, and how much my beautiful miracle is missing out on because Mommy can't do the things other Mommies do, I know one thing - it is time to take charge and remember what my name means - strengthened. Will I fail occasionally? I am sure. Will I get back up and start over? I really hope so. I have to change.
So - Addisyn, even though I love your version of your song, Mommy has to learn to sing the correct version "I'm a survivor - I'm not gonna give up - I'm not gonna stop - I'm gonna work harder", and try to remember what my name means every day.
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