Here we go.......

Okay - so my daughter sings a version of Beyonce's song "Survivor", but she puts her own spin on a portion of the words.  It goes a little something like this - "I'm a survivor....I'm not gonna make it".  While at first this made me giggle, I think sometimes I feel like that.

My name, Stacy, means "Strengthened".  I have always been strong, and therefore, felt I could survive anything.  However, I look back on some things in my life and thought, "I'm not gonna make it."  And, I guess that is where the idea of starting this blog started.  

You see, I have never really been into blogs, but I have recently started reading a couple, and it has made me think.  What if I shared my journey with people?  I mean, really open up and see what people think?  What kind of encouragement can they offer?  What similar situations have they been in?  However, if I am going to survive, God will provide me what I need, but I also need help from people in forms of encouragement.  True, I may never have any readers, but putting things down on paper (or on a computer screen) will help me, I think.   So - what does my life consist of that I needed to start this blog?  For those of you that don't know my story, let me take you back quickly.

I was born a poor white child.....okay, sorry for the movie reference (lol).  Seriously, I was born in October of 1976.  My parents divorced shortly thereafter, from what I have been told.  My daddy remarried when I was 2, and I have had the same stepmother for 33 years.  From that marriage, I have a brother and sister.  My mom remarried several times, and from one of those marriages, I have a sister.  I was a straight A student (for the most part), always did the right thing, stayed out of trouble, hung out with my friends, had a job at 15 to help support my mom, and was a pretty good all around kid.  Sounds like a great life, right?  Well, it would have been perfect if I didn't see myself as hideous because of my weight.  Every boy I was interested in didn't see me as a "girlfriend" type.  I was the girl that was great to have around when the boy I was interested in didn't have a girlfriend.  I was always the funny girl - the one that everyone wanted to be around.  Long story short - there were no dates, no proms, no first-date butterflies or first kisses.  Between weight problems and family issues, I was a very angry person.

As a freshman in college, I suffered a knee injury and was told by my doctor that I had to get 100 lbs off of me as quick as possible.  Well, in 3 months, I lost 100 lbs thanks to diet pills and salad with 2 tbsp of fat free dressing for every meal.  The knee got better, and I didn't have to have surgery. During this time, God blessed me with a wonderful guy when I was 19.  He was 16 (yes, I know - I got him young).  We started dating and I felt like I was on top of the world.  However, the weight started creeping back on since I didn't deal with the emotional trash that caused me to be that big in the first place.  I was so afraid that he would leave me for someone prettier,, skinnier, and more his type.  How big you ask?  Yeah - I am not going to even say.  I'm not ready to broach that subject yet.  But - 15 years later, we are married and have a beautiful little girl.

That little girl?  Her name is Addisyn, and she is the one who loves to sing the wrong lyrics to songs, but is very quick to tell me that I am not old enough to know the right lyrics!  We tried for 7 years to get pregnant, but my doctor basically told me that it would be hard because of my weight.  She looked at me around year 6 and said, "Face it, Stacy - you're a big girl."  Okay - for the big girls out there - you know we all know we are big, but you don't want someone to just throw it out there in your face!!!  Well, it seemed to do the trick.  I joined Weight Watchers and a gym, and one year later, I was down 60 lbs.  We were still having problems getting pregnant.  My doctor called me in October of 2007 and told me that there was nothing else she could do for me.  I fell on my kitchen floor and cried.  I told God I was faithful to Him, and now I was ready for Him to be faithful to me and bless me with the baby I had seen in my dreams for the last 2 months.  Little did i know, I was pregnant when I was throwing my pity party.  She was born 9 months later and has been the light of my life ever since.  She loves Jesus with everything in her and is very quick to tell you that He is alive!!

After I had her, my weight had climbed back to where I was before I lost the weight.  My new problem?  One herniated disc and one bulging disc in the lower part of my back.  I had back surgery in July 2009.  Do you know what that doctor had the nerve to say to me in his sweet Cajun voice?  "You need to lose weight."  Again for the big girls - really?  You think we don't know that????

So - here I am.  Three years later, and I am at the same weight I was after surgery when the doctor ever so gently reminded me that I wasn't the skinniest girl in the office.  I have struggled all of my life with my weight. I don't have money for gyms.  I feel guilty leaving Addisyn with a sitter after she has been in school all day away from her daddy and me.  So - I am doing this on my own. 

The picture above is my beautiful family on Easter this year.  This will be my "starting" picture.  I have been on this lifestyle journey for a week now, and I have lost 5.8 lbs using SparkPeople.  That is diet change only - no exercise.  Does that tell you the trash I was eating?  

I am scared of failure, scared of succeeding and being so unsure of myself in a new body and lifestyle, but anxious to see what I will feel and look like if I lost a significant amount of weight.  I have such a myriad of emotions running through my brain.  I guess that's why I started this blog.  To get everything out.  You are just the lucky people that get to read my ramblings!  But when the day is done, the dust has settled, and I stop and think about how much I am missing out on, how much my wonderful husband is missing out on not having a wife who is in shape, and how much my beautiful miracle is missing out on because Mommy can't do the things other Mommies do, I know one thing - it is time to take charge and remember what my name means - strengthened.  Will I fail occasionally?  I am sure.  Will I get back up and start over?  I really hope so.  I have to change.


So - Addisyn, even though I love your version of your song, Mommy has to learn to sing the correct version "I'm a survivor - I'm not gonna give up - I'm not gonna stop - I'm gonna work harder", and try to remember what my name means every day.